


I'm Sinking Slowly (So Hurry, Hold Me)

by SereneCalamity



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Attacks, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Insecure Richie Tozier, Love Kink?, M/M, Mean Girls, Mental Health Issues, Nipple Piercings, Not the amazing movie, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 11:22:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20425142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SereneCalamity/pseuds/SereneCalamity
Summary: Sometimes Richie has bad days. Sometimes he even doubts Eddie.





	I'm Sinking Slowly (So Hurry, Hold Me)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay! So this was meant to be this fluffy/smutty 4k thing, and it kind of blew up? So...Here we go. Became something insanely important to me, so...Yeah.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own the characters, and the title from a Michelle Branch song, All You Wanted. Also, there are discussions of mental illnesses that Richie hasn't quite accepted yet. I don't know if that needs a trigger warning, but better to be safe than sorry. 
> 
> 15/07/2020 - Edited-ish :)

Richie Tozier didn't give a shit about what people thought about him, except for his friends and his mum. It was actually a pretty good way to live his life, he thought, and it was why he really didn't care when people moaned about him being _too loud_, or _too crass_ or when he wore clothes that were _too bright_. His friends were completely different, especially his boyfriend Eddie Kaspbrak and his youngest but smartest friend Ben Hanscomb, and that was totally fine, he knew people were all different. Maybe it had taken him most of his life to actually _respect_ that, but he felt he had gotten there now.

He thought he had a pretty fucking good life, actually, which had gotten better once he had gotten out of Derry—once _all_ of the Losers had gotten out of Derry. It had been shit for all of them to break up and go in their separate directions as they grew, but at least Stanley Uris, Richie and Eddie were all still together, and Bill Denbrough was pretty close as well, close enough that they could drive to see each other in the weekends regularly. He was studying for a bachelors degree in Radio Broadcasting, and he was doing really well in his classes, which was a _first_ for his entire life, and he guessed that it had to do with the fact that he actually enjoyed what he was doing. He had a job at the university radio, had his own little segment that went for two hours three nights a week called _Trash Radio_, and it wasn't great pay, but it was something. They were in their second year of college, and he was doing _good_.

And then there was Eddie—he and Eddie were _together_. After _years_ of pining away for his tiny best friend, they'd figured their shit out, two weeks before they had gone away to university. They had requested that they to be dorm mates and they had found out that they would be together, and so to celebrate, Richie had snuck a couple of drinks from his dad and convinced Eddie to share them with him and then they were kissing and rolling around on the clean floor of Eddie's bedroom and it had all just clicked together. And it was great, because things hadn't really changed between them—they had still fought and argued and Eddie made faces at him and Richie called him annoying names and then Eddie would huff and turn up his cute nose, and it was like they were still best friends, except now there was _kissing_ and _hand jobs_ and twice there had been _actual sex_; it was awesome.

But still...Even with all the good shit that was going on, and the fact that he didn't bother himself with peoples dumb issues around him, he still found himself at the university doctors and they were telling him that the reason why he had started feeling _weird_ and _wrong_ lately is because he had social anxiety. So now, along with his ADHD medication, he had keep a little tube of pills on him for when his hands started to shake and beads of sweat started to gather at his brow and all he wanted to do was curl up in a ball in a dark spot, preferably somewhere far away from _everyone_, including Eddie. And then because he felt broken and stupid about the social anxiety, and maybe because his mum had forgotten to ring him on his birthday, he found himself sleeping a lot more and missing classes, and barely able to pull himself together for his _Trash Radio_ episodes, and Eddie was frowning at him a lot with concerned eyes, and then he was going to the doctors _again_ and this time they gave him medication for _depression_.

Eddie had obviously told Stan, and Stan had told Bill, and Bill had told Beverly Marsh and Beverly had told Ben and Ben had told Mike Hanlon, because he started getting more texts and messages on Facebook outside of their Facebook group message, and he was getting a bunch for Snapchats outside of their Snapchat group, and he knew his friends were just trying to make him feel better, but it felt weird. Weird that they were worried about him to the point where he could barely go an hour without one of them checking up on him, as though they had some sort of roster they were keeping to.

It was fine, though, because these were his friends, these were the people that he cared about the most and he knew they cared about him, and he cared about what they _thought_, and if they thought that they were helping him by sending him these messages, then that was okay. Beverly and Bill both came up on Saturday when Eddie, Stan and Richie went out for breakfast, and Stan and Bill spent almost the whole time playing footsies under the table and Beverly was strangely quiet, which made Richie feel _weird_. Again. Because Beverly was always bubbly, and her and Richie would vibe off each other whenever they were together.

And so he was _loud,_ and he filled the silence because that was what he _did_—that's what he always did, and Beverly started looking a little happier and by the end of breakfast, everything seemed completely normal again. She gave him a hug and squeezed him tight and then she hugged Eddie for so long it looked like his boyfriend was going to be suffocated. She wasn't going to college like the rest of them, she didn't even have somewhere that she was permanently _living_, she was just doing her own thing, travelling around, and so she caught a bus out of town after breakfast and Richie was sad to see her go because sometimes it could be months before they saw her again. Eddie held his hand on the way back to the dorms, Stan had taken Bill back to his apartment, so it was just the two of them, and Richie liked it like that.

Eddie squeezed his hand a few times, but he always kept his eyes forward and Richie couldn't help but glance over at him every few minutes. Unlike Richie's floppy mess of hair, Eddie's was in a coif, not a strand out of place, and he was wearing a pale pink shirt with a couple of buttons undone, and a pair of jeans that fit him perfectly. Richie was pretty sure that he had at _least_ four holes in his oversized grey shirt and his jeans were ripped at the knees from where he had fallen down skateboarding multiple times, but his fingernails were completely clean and his hair had been washed last night, because Eddie liked certain things, and even if he didn't expect them of Richie, Richie still liked to do them for his boyfriend.

"There's a party tonight?" Eddie said quietly when they got back to their dorm room and Eddie sat down carefully on the edge of his perfectly made bed. Richie flopped down on his own messy bed—the sheets hadn't been changed in about three weeks, and so they were starting to just smell like sweat, but that was why Richie slept in Eddie's bed a lot. Eddie grumbled as though he didn't like it, but he pouted if Richie _dared _sleep in his own bed when there wasn't a good reason for it, like one of them being sick. "Did you want to go?"

"I'm always up for a party, Eddie Spaghetti," Richie grinned at Eddie, and Eddie made a frustrated noise at the back of his throat at the nickname, but he didn't make a big deal about it like he would have four months ago. To be honest, Richie missed the way that Eddie used to whine and tell Richie he was annoying and maybe throw a comic book in his direction when he called him stupid nicknames. If it was a few months ago, he would have. But he didn't say anything, because he knew that Eddie was just trying to make everything_ smooth _and _easy_ for Richie, and he didn't want to worry Eddie anymore than he already was. "Whose is it?"

"Jada, but Emily is the one who asked," Eddie replied as he wiggled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and looked at it. Emily Klein was in a couple of Eddie's classes, she was studying to be a social worker while he was studying to be a teacher, and Richie liked her well enough, although he'd never been to a big a fan of her room mate, Jada Guy. Apparently they'd gone to high school together, and so when they had run into each other last year, Jada working full time while Emily was at college, they had decided to find a flat together this year. Jada just had this thing where she always seemed to be touching Eddie's hair and glaring at Richie, and while he sometimes found it amusing when people hit on Eddie and didn't seem to care about the fact that he was with Richie, there was just something about Jada that rubbed Richie the wrong way.

"Oh yup," Richie said absently, trying not to sound completely uninterested to the point of almost regretting say yes in the first place. Eddie glanced over at him, but Richie just fixed him with a big, goofy grin that showed all his teeth and Eddie smiled back at him, but it was in a way that didn't reach his eyes, just like the smile that Richie had given him. "Wanna fool around for a bit and then play CTR?" He asked, trying to shift the topic of the conversation very much off _him_.

As he expected, Eddie rolled his eyes, but then Eddie started wriggling out of his shirt and Richie's cock hardened in his briefs as he saw the little sparkle of the piercing in Eddie's right nipple that Eddie had gone and gotten with Beverly about six months ago. It had been a big thing for him, getting a piercing with all of his phobias, but he had done it, although he had cleaned it at least twenty times a day afterward, but Richie was still proud of him. As Eddie's nimble fingers went for his jeans, Richie closed the gap between their beds and pushed his lover backwards, loving the little giggle that Eddie let out. They rolled around as they undressed each other, and everything was familiar and fun, just like it always was with the two of them. Richie was on top first, long fingers stroking down Eddie's face before they curled around the back of his neck and their hips rolled together, and then Eddie suddenly rolled them over so that he was on top, eyes flashing and cheeks flushed. Richie couldn't help but stroke Eddie's floppy hair and reach up to kiss the tip of his nose.

"You're so cute, Eddiekins," Richie hummed out and Eddie rolled his eyes again, but it was playful and sweet and Eddie scrunched up his nose and then started sliding down Richie's body, wiggling until he was moving between Richie's pale thighs. He took Richie in his mouth and the way that he was looking up at Richie actually made the curly haired man need to close his eyes and throw his head back against Eddie's pillow, because it was just...It was _worshipful_, that was the only way that Richie could think to describe it.

"Richie?" Eddie breathed, his voice sounding raspy as his boyfriend forced his eyes open to look down at the boy between his legs. "Fuck my mouth? Fill me up?" There was always just something about Eddie talking dirty that always set Richie off, and his toes curled painfully as he thrust upward. It really didn't take long after that before Richie was coming down Eddie's throat, and Eddie swallowed everything that Richie gave him, because Eddie was just _perfect_.

"Fuck!" Richie growled, one of his hands tight in the top duvet cover while the other hand was cupped around the back of Eddie's neck, tugging lightly, pulling the smaller man up until his body was splayed over Richie's lanky one. "You're fucking perfect, Eds," Richie mumbled as he pressed light kisses over Eddie's cheeks and nose. He really didn't care tasting himself on Eddie's tongue and lips, but Eddie didn't like kissing Richie after he had just sucked him off, so he never pushed it.

"_You're_ perfect," Eddie mumbled back, looking up at Richie through thick eyelashes. "So perfect for me." And then Richie couldn't help himself from rolling his eyes, because he was _far_ from it and Eddie was clearly just caught up in a pre-orgasm haze, and he really couldn't deal with compliments like this. Richie rolled them over again, so that he was back on top, looking down at his beautiful boyfriend, and he braced one elbow on the mattress by Eddie's head so that he could push himself up just a little bit, so that he could still see Eddie while reaching down to wrap a hand around Eddie's leaking cock. Eddie's body arched in the most gorgeous way, and he came within seconds, clearly already so close to the edge in the way that he always got when he went down on Richie.

As they were laying next to each other afterwards—once they were cleaned up, but still naked—Eddie was cuddled up at Richie's side, curled around one of his arms and cheek resting against his shoulder, and Richie just felt...Content, in the best way, in the way that only Eddie could really do.

* * *

The party started out okay, and Richie knew quite a few people who were there. He knew Emily and her boyfriend, and there was a guy that Richie had a class with and a couple of others that he had met when he and Eddie had hung out with Emily. And of course, Jada was there as well, but she was pretty easy to ignore since there were at least thirty people shoved into the flat, and Richie threw back a couple of the nasty shots that Emily's boyfriend, Steve O'Harrison, had offered him and things weren't bad. Eddie got pretty energetic after a few drinks, and it seemed as though he had reached that limit because he was dancing with Emily and a few other girls and Richie grinned as he watched his boyfriend.

"Don't feel like dancing tonight?" Steve asked with a wide smile and Richie smiled back at him. He liked Emily's boyfriend, they'd actually hung out quite a bit without Emily and Richie, going to the skate park and out for beer with their fake IDs.

"I don't think this place is big enough for my dancing, Steve-O," he answered with a smirk as he sipped from his red solo cup.

"You have a point," Steve laughed. "I think you need a five foot radius when you're let loose on a dance floor." Richie grinned, because he was pretty sure that sort of thing happened whenever they went to a club, just naturally, because he would flail around and even if the floors were crowded people would make room for him. But this was a flat, and there wasn't much space to move, plus he wasn't drunk enough, so he would just keep to himself. And he also hadn't really gone out and had much to drink since he had started on the new medication, the _depression medication_, because the doctor had recommended against it or at least to limit his intake, so he wasn't drinking anywhere near as much as usually did.

"You want another drink?" Richie asked, before throwing back what was left in his cup. The shots and just one drink was actually making him feel a little drunk already, so maybe that was the plus side of these pills, he was an even cheaper drunk than before, that seemed like a bonus. He had to find the silver linings in this shit wherever he could.

"Yeah, just with whatever cheap shit they have in there," Steve handed him his cup and Richie dodged around people to get to the kitchen. He had just finished filling their cups up when Jada appeared, and her nose wrinkled when she looked at Richie, like the cheerleaders in high school whenever Beverley had worn clothes that were _not_ pink and pretty, but were black and bad ass. She looked like maybe she had something to say, but then Eddie was coming into the kitchen, and his cheeks were flushed, and he looked cute and a little drunk, and Richie grinned, grateful for the distraction and even _more _grateful that it was his boyfriend.

"You want a drink, Eddiekins?" Richie sung out and Eddie rolled his eyes, huffing a little.

"You _know_ I hate it when you call me that," he grumbled and Richie felt his heartbeat kick up in his chest because it had been a while since Eddie had called him out on it.

"Aw, no you don't," Richie grinned, keeping up the sing-song voice and loving the way that Eddie's cheeks got a little redder and his eyes shone and it almost seemed like he was on the edge of whining, like he used to when they were kids and Richie would poke him in the sides and tickle him and annoy him. Richie had loved it then and he loved it now, but they were older and they didn't argue as much and Eddie was a lot more..._Careful_ around Richie now, so it didn't happen as much. "You love it. It's me showing you how much I_ love you_."

"Yeah, how much you love to annoy me," Eddie narrowed his eyes as he took the cup from Richie and drank from it, draining it completely and then handing it back, giving him a bit of a sassy look. "You need a refill," he said before turning around and flouncing back out of the kitchen. Richie watched him go with a wide smile on his face, eyes flicking down to how tight Eddie's jeans were on his ass, and he was still grinning as he turned back to fill his cup again and then he caught a look at Jada. He had actually forgotten she was still in the room, but she had obviously watched the whole interaction with that same wrinkled nose and annoyed look on her sour face.

"I don't understand how you're still together," she told him, her words clipped. "He doesn't even act like he likes you." And then she was leaving the room as well, Richie suddenly feeling completely frozen in place.

It fucking sucked and he had been feeling so _normal_ today, which hadn't been happening heaps lately, and then she had just...Shattered the whole damn thing.

And now he was feeling _weird_ again and kind of shaky, and his heart was thudding in his chest, but not in the way that it did when he and Mike had a competition to see who could finish the most _Doctor Pepper_ or when Eddie smiled up at him and put his small hand on Richie's chest.

It was in the way when he needed his anxiety pills, which he hated taking, because they stopped making him feel shaky and they stopped making his heart race, but they just made him feel numb and blank. And because of that, even though he was _meant_ to carry them around with him, just in case something like this happened, he didn't. He had literally taken them three times in the time that he had had them, but he had a feeling that tonight would be the fourth time.

"Richie? Richie, you okay?" Steve was asking from the doorway, probably checking up on why it was taking so long for Richie to get their drinks.

"Yeah, I—I, uh—" Richie cut off and let out a strangled laugh, trying to wave off the way his skin felt as though it was starting to shrink around his bones. Eddie used to get anxiety attacks all the time when he was younger, and he still got them occasionally as a teenager and even now, but he had seen a therapist who had helped a lot and Richie tried to remember what Eddie had done, what Eddie had told him.

He remembered there were a lot of things about breathing.

And not breathing fast.

And counting.

He sucked in a breath, holding it in his lungs and mentally counted to five before letting it back out through his teeth slowly, even though his body made it _very_ clear that it wanted to do this a lot faster. Then he did it again, and he did actually feel his heart rate beginning to slow.

"Richie," Steve's voice was slower now, steadier, as though realizing that something was actually wrong, and he came over to where Richie was holding both of their cups and he took them from the curly haired boy, but he didn't touch him other than the brush of their fingers. "Are you okay?"

"I think...I'm not feeling great," Richie said, even though that was an understatement, because even as he was beginning to slow his breathing, his mind was working in overtime, repeating Jada's comments.

_I don't understand how you're still together._

_He doesn't even act like he likes you._

Richie had a lot of friends on campus and so did Eddie, and both of them had dealt with advances from other people, a couple of those people thinking that maybe there was something more between them than friendship. There had been a guy in Richie's first year working at the radio station, before he had his own segment, and they had worked a lot of long nights together, and they'd been really good friends. There had been a late night when they had been closing up and Richie was laughing and bumming a cigarette and then the guy had leaned in and tried to kiss him. There had been some other drunken incidents, and especially girls seemed to gravitate towards Eddie, because he was soft and sweet and clean, but Eddie had always made it clear he was with Richie once he realized what their intentions were, and Richie generally found it hilarious. With Jada, Eddie had never really seemed to see that she had a _thing_ for him, maybe because she seemed like a pretty touchy-feely person with most of her friends, but Richie had always known that there was more.

And now...

_He doesn't even act like he likes you._

"Do you want me to get Eddie?" Steve asked quietly and Richie shook his head, because Eddie had been having a good time, that had been so clear on his face—hell, _Richie_ had been having a good time—and he didn't want to ruin that.

"No," he said. "I'm just gonna go." Steve frowned, and blue eyes worried and his floppy brown hair falling forward.

"I could walk you back to your dorms?" He suggested, clearly not okay with just letting Richie go, but Richie shook his head.

"I'm fine, Steve-O," he attempted a weak smile to go along with nickname, but it obviously didn't go over well because Steve just stared back at him, a crease between his eyes. Richie took in another deep breath, holding it in once more before letting it out slowly, feeling a little steadier than before but those words just repeating themselves over and over in his head.

_I don't understand how you're still together._

Yeah, sometimes Richie didn't either. Eddie was so quirky and cute and funny and smart and he was with Richie? It was one thing when they got together when they were back in Derry, before they had come to the city and met new people and Eddie's social circle had expanded and he'd opened up a lot more and not been as scared of everything as he had been before, but now? Eddie could do so much better than him, and Richie teased Eddie about that when he was cleaning up their room for the hundredth time and cleaning Richie's sheets because he was too lazy to or making him dinner, but he also thought about it when he wasn't feeling good, when it was those days when he was feeling really _bad_, and it wasn't a joke and he wasn't laughing because _Eddie could do better, _and why was he with Richie?

Richie left the kitchen and made his way through the crowds of people, catching a glimpse of Eddie laughing with Emily and jumping up and down, the two of them happy and tipsy together. He didn't want to ruin Eddie's evening, screw up his weekend any more than he already did, so he ducked out the front door, closing it firmly behind him and walking quickly down the hall, toward the stairs at the end of. He jogged down the few flights of stairs until he got outside and he was glad for the fresh air that hit his face, making him instantly feel a bit more sober.

Unfortunately, though, it didn't stop his brain from working in overtime, and he couldn't stop his fingers from twitching at his sides as he walked, which he wasn't sure was caused by his ADHD or by his anxiety, or it could be both of them playing ping-pong inside his mind.

_He doesn't even act like he likes you._

Richie let out shaky breaths which where beginning to pick up, and he tried to slow them down, but it was a little more difficult while he was walking so quickly that it would almost be considered running. His hands shook when he finally got to their building and he was trying to put the key in the door, and then they were shaking even more when he got up to their room, probably because his body knew that he was _so close_ to being somewhere safe.

He fell inside and slammed the door behind him, not locking it. He hardly ever remembered to lock their dorm room, although Eddie was always conscientious about doing it, so the only time it was really left unlocked when it _mattered_ was if Richie left after him to go to class through the day.

Richie pulled at the leather jacket he was wearing—one that he had found while going through thrift shops with Beverly and Eddie, something that Eddie wasn't always comfortable with because it was clothes that other people had worn and he didn't know where they had been, but Eddie had found the worn jacket and thrust it at Richie and now it was his favourite but it now felt like it was suffocating him—and he threw it toward his side of the room. It might have joined the other clothes on the ground, or been strewn across the chair propped at the end of his bed that served more as shelf for books and clothes rather than as a _chair_ and then grabbed for his lighter.

He'd started smoking in high school because Beverly had and it helped to give him something to focus on when his body was feeling jittery, and then he had quit smoking last year after he and Eddie had moved into the dorms because of Eddie's asthma and because in all honesty, he couldn't afford to keep up the habit. But sometimes when he went out to parties, he still smoked socially, or if exams were coming up, he would have the guilty one every now and then, so he had a habit of of carrying a lighter around.

He rasped his thumb over the lighter and tipped the flame toward the wick of one of Eddie's candles, his personal favourite one, _wild lime and tangelo_, and lit it up. The curtains weren't pulled shut, so there was some light coming in through the window of their second-floor room from the lamp and the moon, but it was pretty much completely dark other than the flame from the candle and as Richie sat down on the edge of Eddie's bed and watched the flickering flame, he started to feel a little bit better.

For about two minutes.

Until his mind helpfully supplied the reason for his little melt down to begin with.

_I don't understand how you're still together._

Richie's throat convulsed as he sucked down more air and then scratched his fingers through his curly hair with one hand, the other hand pulling roughly at one arm of his glasses and letting them clatter to the shelf with the candle. Two of his fingers found a knot and instead of just ignoring it until he could get a brush through it—or hopefully, until Eddie got a brush through it—he just pulled and yanked, the pain piercing at his skull, until he had pulled his fingers through the knot.

It didn't matter what Jada thought or said.

It didn't matter that she only saw a part of their relationship and came to their own conclusions.

Because Eddie loved Richie and they were solid.

Except...Maybe they weren't?

Richie let out a growl, clenching his teeth together, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, trying to do the thing with his breathing again, filling his lungs and holding his breath for a few seconds before slowly releasing it and then doing it a few more times before suddenly the door for their room was slamming open and it completely interrupted the breathing exercises that he was _trying_ to do.

"Eddie!" Richie all but yelped out and Eddie looked over at him with a scrunched up face. A scrunched up face that Richie had become very used to over the years. When they were kids, it was when Richie was trying to convince him to play in the mud from the rain and Eddie was trying to figure out a way to convince him to stay inside where it was warm and clean. When they were teenagers, it was when Richie wanted to go out to parties every weekend and Eddie didn't understand _why_ because they were with the same people they went to school with every day and people always ended up spilling their drinks on him. And more recently, it was when Richie was feeling wrong but was trying to cover it up and Eddie knew that something was _wrong_ and was weighing up whether or not he should say something.

That had been a lot over the past few months.

"Richie? Why'd you leave without me?" Eddie seemed to settle on, closing the door and locking it, still leaving space between them, which felt like_ a lot_ more space than just the few feet their dorm allowed. Richie swallowed again and began bouncing his knee nervously.

"I...It just—I don't know, it just got really hot, and I—" Richie sighed and cut himself off because he wasn't telling the truth and he knew it, and Eddie knew it, and it wasn't fair. "I felt..._Weird_ again. Wrong." Eddie nodded slowly, taking another step into the room, eyes on Richie's and body steady. Neither of them said anything for a few moments before Eddie spoke, his voice quiet.

"You...You don't have to call it _weird_. Or _wrong_," he murmured. "I've never heard you call it anything else, and you can keep calling it that if you want, but there's nothing wrong with you." Richie let out a dry snort that didn't have a trace of humor in it.

"Except that there _is_." Eddie winced at the harsh sound of Richie's voice and he took another step closer.

"You never make me feel like there's anything wrong with me," he told his boyfriend quietly and Richie's head jerked up at that, eyebrows pulling together. The words '_because there fucking isn't_' were right on the tip of his tongue, but they died at the pointed look Eddie was giving him. "When we were kids, when we were in high school, now—you never make me feel like I'm weird or wrong. I know that I'm better than I was before, but I still vacuum our room every day." It was true, they had to be the only ones in the dorm that _owned_ their _own_ vacuum and then actually _used_ it. It was why Richie's things had to be on his bed or desk or chair, not crumpled in a pile _on_ the ground. "I still carry my inhaler everywhere, even though I haven't had to use it for over a year now." As if to prove his point, he pulled it out of his back pocket and held it up for a moment before putting it on his desk. "Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night and have to shower because...I just feel dirty." They also had to be the only ones in the dorm that had as many toiletries as they did—Eddie had at least six bath gels and the same amount of shampoos and conditioners—but Richie never commented on them taking up room at the bottom of the shower when they were sharing one, and sometimes he even got up with Eddie in the middle of the night then they were sharing a bed and it woke him up. "I don't want to tell you how to think about what's going on with you because that's up to _you_, but...I just don't want you think that you're wrong. That you've _got_ something wrong with you. Because you _never_ make me feel like there is something wrong or weird with me. Just that sometimes...I need _help_ with my..._Stuff_."

Richie didn't know what to say, because there was _nothing_ wrong with Eddie.

Eddie was beautiful and smart and incredible and the closest thing to perfect that Richie had ever encountered. Hell, sometimes he was pretty sure he _was_ perfect. He knew that Eddie had quirks, he knew that Eddie had a lot to overcome and had his own personal struggles that he dealt with on a daily basis, but that was just _Eddie_.

"Please don't...Please don't shut me out," Eddie whispered, taking another step. "I just want to help you." Richie was only quiet for a moment before giving Eddie a small smile, that was sincere and sweet.

"With my stuff?" He asked, but he didn't sound...It wasn't as angry and off-handed as when Richie muttered that he was feeling _wrong_.

"Yeah," Eddie took a couple of steps, two forward, until he was standing right in front of Richie, and he reached out and trailed his fingers through Richie's hair. His hand didn't catch any knots, and his fingertips were soothing against Richie's skull. "You help me with mine, and I help you with yours." Richie closed his eyes as Eddie kept stroking his fingers through Richie's hair, and the taller man leaned forward, resting his forehead against Eddie's chest. With Richie sitting and Eddie standing, there was actually a height difference where Eddie was the taller one. Eddie's fingers slid downwards, scratching at Richie's neck lightly and a shiver ran through the curly-haired boy. "That's what we do. We help each other. All of the Losers, that's what we do." Richie couldn't help but nod.

When Mike's grandparents had tried to convince him to stay in Derry to take over the farm one day, even though he had bigger aspirations.

When Bill's little brother, Georgie Denborough, went missing and never came home after wandering off one afternoon during their summer break.

When Eddie had realized that his mother had been lying to him his whole life and he didn't actually have a hundred and one different health issues that required medication.

When Stan's incredibly religious parents had all but cut him off when he had worked up the courage to tell them that he was gay and dating Bill.

When Richie's alcoholic father had finally been taken away and his mother had blamed him for it at first, shifting their relationship completely.

When Beverly had been taken away from her own abusive father and put into foster care, before finally being placed with her aunt, who was over two hours away from Derry.

When Ben was being bullied by the same assholes who had also bullied Richie and his friends, they had literally pushed him over a guard rail by the side of the road and down a hill, chasing after him toward a creek where the Losers had been splashing water at each other.

They all had each others back.

Especially Eddie.

He should _never_ doubt Eddie.

He had _always_ been there, even before they had been a _RichieandEddie_.

But then Jada's words came back.

_I don't understand how you're still together._

_He doesn't even act like he likes you._

"Jada," he said without even thinking and then tilted his head back to gauge his boyfriends reaction. Eddie's eyes widened in surprise, tilting his head to the side, not saying anything as he waited. "Jada said...She doesn't understand why we're still together. That we...That you don't act like you like me." Eddie's eyebrows pulled together and his eyes narrowed, the hand in Richie's hair tightening and his other hand coming up to rest on Richie's shoulder.

"That little bitch," he hissed out and Richie couldn't help but let out a surprised laugh, because while Eddie was nowhere near as close to Jada as he was with Emily, he was still at least friendly with her. "She said that to you?" Richie clenched his jaw, the small smile that had flared disappearing.

_I don't understand how you're still together._

"Yeah," he mumbled. "She did." Eddie let out a short breath, fingers tightening again, and Richie could feel his boyfriend tensing up. It was actually kind of cute, the way his breathing was starting to come out in little huffs and his shoulders were bunching up—in the way that it used to when they would get into fights in high school, usually with Bowers and his gang. "Hey, Eds—you're not gonna go and have a punch up with this girl."

"You sure about that?" Eddie growled, eyes darting toward the door as though it was a very real possibility. Richie couldn't stop his smile and he reached up to find both of Eddie's hands, holding them tightly between their bodies.

"She's just some dumb girl who obviously has a crush on you," Richie said, and he _knew_ that. When he said that out loud, and Eddie was standing in _their_ room, surrounded by all _their _stuff, looking adorable with his chest puffed out as though he was ready to go to war for him, he knew that it was all because this girl had a thing for his boyfriend and she had been a bitch about it and just decided to run her mouth. Richie _knew_ that. It wasn't some brand new thing and she was the first one to do it because she was jealous. Hell, when girls back in high school said all kinds of nasty things about Beverly because they were jealous that they were all boring and going to grow up to be cardboard cutout housewives while she was going to travel and continue being the bad ass that she was.

"I don't care, she can't _say_ stuff like that to you!" Eddie protested and Richie just felt...Stupidly happy. Eddie loved him and was angry on his behalf and ready to go and fight some girl with razor sharp looking fingernails and high heels that made her two inches taller than him. Richie had never cared what people thought, no-one other than the Losers and his mum, and the most important person of all, who was Eddie, and he needed to remember that.

He _knew_ Eddie loved him.

"I'm gonna tell Emily," Eddie said quietly. "And then _Emily_ can go off at Jada, if you won't let me." Richie's eyes sparkled as they looked up at his boyfriend.

"Deal," he murmured and Eddie let out a heavy breath. He looked down at the candle that was flickering, and Richie leaned his head back against Eddie's stomach, and they just stayed where they were for a long few minutes, neither of them talking. Then Eddie tugged his hand gently from Richie's and pushed at his shoulder, until he was laying back on the bed. Richie went along with it, and then Eddie was kneeling down, and taking off Richie's shoes and socks one at a time so that his bare feet were on the ground, and even though it was just a sweet moment, seeing Eddie kneeled between his thighs made Richie's cock twitch in his jeans. Eddie didn't move to put Richie's shoes and socks away, which was a _big thing_, and then he was smoothing his hands up and down Richie's thighs, and Richie propped himself up on his elbows to look down at Eddie.

"Richie?" Eddie whispered softly and the way he was looking at Richie was so..._Adoring_ that it made Richie's heart skip a beat. Eddie's small, nimble fingers edged upward on Richie's thighs, but not too far up as he tilted his head to the side questioningly. "Can I?"

"Have I ever said no to you, Eds?" Richie joked lightly, although it came out slightly breathless, his chest feeling heavy, this moment feeling completely different from their roll around in this very bed just a couple of hours ago.

"Call me Eds again and I'll be saying no to you," Eddie huffed a little, but his fingers were already moving again, toward the button and zipper of Richie's jeans, and it seemed as though all was forgiven. Richie's cock twitched again, although this time it was more like a throb and he started to harden as he felt Eddie's palm purposefully press down against his groin as he undone the button and then pulled down the zipper. Richie's breathing hitched as Eddie tugged open his jeans and then reached up to pull down the waistband of the boxers he was wearing, not asking Richie to move so that he could pull them all the way down. His fingers reached into the boxers and pulled out Richie's cock, which was now almost completely hard, and then his hand was wrapping around it and Richie let out a hissed out breath as his head dropped backward.

"_Shit_, Eddie..." Richie didn't let his elbows fall out from underneath him because he didn't want to miss a thing, but it took a lot to force his head back up and pry his eyes open to watch as Eddie leaned forward and parted his lips and then flicked out his tongue in a kitten lick at the head of Richie's cock. Eddie's lips always looked so plush and inviting, especially recently since he had started wearing this shiny gloss stuff as opposed to just chapstick, that made them glow a bit and they looked even plumper, and they stretched wide to take in Richie's cock. "_Eddie_!" Richie groaned out, ass and thighs clenching as Eddie's head slowly moved forward, taking in all of Richie. He didn't stop, and Richie's eyelids kept flickering, wanting to close in pleasure, and then when he felt Eddie's throat convulse around him, and the head hit the back of his lovers throat, he let out another moan, eyes squeezing shut.

Richie was pretty sure the only word that he actually managed to form was his lovers name, the rest was all unintelligible as Eddie worked him closer and closer to his orgasm. His pretty painted, trimmed nails scratched lightly down Richie's thighs, moving up to cup his balls and roll them in his hand, and Richie couldn't stop himself from thrusting upward. There was a choking sound from Eddie, and his eyes were watery, tears gathering in the corners, but he didn't pull off.

Richie came close to coming at least three times, Eddie always knowing when things were getting too close and too intense and stopping for a few moments to let his body calm back down again. He never pulled off, though, keeping Richie's cock buried in his mouth, past his lips, head nudging the soft tissue at the back of his throat, but he stopped moving his tongue back and forth, and Richie's toes were curled almost painfully into the thin carpet on their floor. The room smelt like the tangelo and lime candle, and Richie's heart was beating fast for a _good_ reason, and Eddie was looking up at him through thick eyelashes with an expression that made it seem as though _Richie_ was the one worshiping _him_.

"Eddie...Baby...Eds!" Richie could feel a fourth orgasm coming on quickly, curling in his spine and making his fingers claw at the duvet cover, and that was when Eddie pulled back, with a slick, lewd wet sound. Richie almost came right then and there, seeing Eddie's lips swollen and spit-slick. "Shit, Eddie," Richie was usually the loud one, with a lot to say, but things shifted when they were having sex. Eddie had joked that it seemed as though his dick being hard shorted out the circuits in his brain, and he might have been right.

"Move back," Eddie said, his voice raspy. Richie struggled to do what the shorter man had said, his limbs feeling weak, but he pushed himself back and turned himself half around so that he was actually on the bed properly, his head on the pillow. Then Eddie was kicking off his shoes—and not lining them up neatly either—and climbing on top of Richie, straddling his thighs and pressing his denim-clad groin directly over Richie's twitching, wet cock and the rough sensation made Richie's body arch. But then Eddie was kissing Richie, and he realized that they hadn't actually done that since before the party and everything that had happened there, and his focus shifted.

Eddie tasted like the fake strawberries from his gloss and like salt from chips and like the sugary vodka mixes he must have been drinking at the party. And Eddie. Underneath everything else, he taste just like Eddie. Beautiful, sweet Eddie.

They both struggled to unclothe each other without breaking their kiss, although they were unsuccessful twice. Eddie squeaked as Richie pinched his ass and then scratched at his chest and shoulders, and Richie let out a whine as Eddie grind himself down over Richie's cock. Their tongues tangled together and Eddie nipped at Richie with his teeth and pulled at his hair—little twinges of pain that mingled together with pleasure and made everything feel even more perfect. One of Eddie's hands reached out and blindly fumbled at the shelf beside his bed, finally managing to grasp the lube and letting his arm come back to his side.

"She was so wrong, Richie," Eddie whispered as he pulled himself back, bumping his nose gently against Richie's as he did so. "It's me and you. It's always been me and you, even before we go together." Eddie snapped the lid off the lube as he sat up properly, positioning himself on Richie's thighs rather than over his cock. "You always had my back, even though you never washed under your nails and your room was so disgusting it made me want to throw up and you would eat chewing gum that Bill had already chewed and was ready to throw away." Richie couldn't help but let out a breathless laugh. "And I will always have yours." Eddie poured some of the lube on his fingers and lifted himself up and Richie's eyes widened as he watched Eddie reach behind himself and slowly press a finger inside himself.

Even though they had been together for nearly two years now, they'd only had sex twice, both of those times pretty recently, within the past couple of months. Eddie had never been with anyone else other than Richie, and he was hesitant about a lot of things and a bit insecure, and Richie had no issue with taking things slow. So he hadn't expected Eddie to want to have sex tonight, and he hadn't expected to be able to watch Eddie open himself up, even if it was just in the flickering candle and the streetlight coming through the window.

Richie watched breathlessly, cheeks ruddy behind his freckles, lips parted, as Eddie poured some more lube on his fingers, and joined a second finger to the first, his hips moving slightly and his breathing hitching. Richie wanted to reach out and touch Eddie, grip those narrow hips of his or wrap a hand around his pink, hard cock, but he didn't, letting Eddie set the pace. When he added a third finger, his body jolted forward and Eddie let out a beautiful whine and Richie couldn't help but pull himself up off the bed to press a kiss to Eddie's shoulder. Eddie smiled down at him, but it was only a small smile, his eyes glowing with intensity.

"You're it for me, Richie. I've wanted to be with you for as long as I've known what that meant, and I think even before then," Eddie told him softly as he poured lube now into the palm of his hand and smoothed it up and down Richie's length, making the curly haired boy groan and thrust upward, unable to stop himself from chasing after the touch. Eddie pumped his hand slowly a few times, making sure to liberally coat Richie's cock before wiping his hand on his duvet cover, obviously letting go of a lot of his _things_ tonight, because it wasn't often that Eddie would wipe his dirty hands on anything other than a wet wipe—or let Richie do that either.

"Eddie..." Richie breathed as his boyfriend lifted himself up and reached back to position Richie's cock between his cheeks, one hand braced on Richie's chest to balance himself.

"God, Richie," Eddie's eyes were dark and glowing down at him, swallowing hard as they darted around Richie's face, taking in his smudged red cheeks with dotted freckles and how swollen his mouth was. "It's always you. It's _only_ you." Richie's breathing came out even more hitched and he finally grabbed for Eddie's hips, trying to pull him down, but Eddie's thighs held strong. "Yeah, Richie? It's only ever _been you_." Richie felt as though he was about half a second away from the orgasm with the way that Eddie was staring down at him, looking so intense and sincere but soft and loving all at the same time, and just the head of his cock pressing against Eddie's lubed hole.

It wasn't that they had never _done_ this sort of thing before, it was just that Richie had never realized how much he had brushed it off and treated it like it wasn't important.

Not when it was about Eddie—_everything_ about Eddie was important—but when it was about himself.

When they were quiet and the moments were gentle between them, and Eddie was tracing the back of Richie's hands and he murmured that he liked Richie's fingers and then looked up and smiled and said that he liked Richie's curls since his hair was growing out or that he was the most important person in the world to him, Richie flipped the moment into something else. Usually a dirty joke or innuendo, and Eddie would sometimes giggle and rolled with it, and it had never been a problem, but maybe it was something that Richie had always needed and never known how to accept. Because he would always bulldoze Eddie when he tried to talk about it, even _after_ Richie had tried to ruin the moment, flipping every compliment into something that it wasn't until Eddie would eventually give up.

Eddie would sometimes turn red, or other times he would get this gooey smile and bury his head in Richie's neck, or he would let out an awkward laugh and smush a kiss to Richie's cheek.

"Fuck, _I love you_," Eddie whispered and Richie's entire body jerked up because that was when Eddie seemed to decide to finally sink down, taking Richie's length inside his body all in one go, and the taller boy threw his head back, letting out a long whine. Eddie rested his hands on Richie's chest, tanned fingers and cotton-candy pink nails against pale skin, and he clenched his body tightly around Richie, leaning forward so that their eyes met again. "I_ love you, Richi_e," Eddie repeated, bracing his hands on Richie's chest and pushing his body upward and then pausing again, as though waiting for Richie to catch up, to take a breath and centre himself.

And Richie was so grateful.

That had been _him_ doing that when everything had first started, when they had first gotten together and when they had first done anything sexual. It had just felt natural, because Eddie was scared of everything and he had never so much as kissed someone before Richie, muchless done anything more, so Richie had taken the lead and made sure that he didn't rush Eddie and that his boyfriend never felt out of his comfort zone.

But...Eddie looked after Richie as well, and that was so obvious now.

"Chee?" Eddie whispered in the dark room, and Richie was glad that the curtains were wide open and letting in the annoying light from the lamp right outside so that he could actually see his lovers face. The dark eyes, intense eyes that Eddie was looking at him with and his pursed lips, and the little furrow between his eyebrows that he got when something had his complete attention.

"Yeah, baby," Richie managed to respond, letting him know that he was still there with him, even though his body felt like it was beginning to float and his head felt as though it was filled with cotton.

"Are you okay?" Eddie asked quietly, not moving just yet, and Richie took in a few deep breaths before reaching up to touch Eddie's tousled hair and then trailing his fingers down face.

"I love you too, Eddie," Richie replied quietly, and Eddie's face broke out in a smile. They had said those words before, countless times, but there was just something about the way they were exchanging the sentiment right now, so softly, with hearts so full, it just felt different from all those other times.

"I love you so much," Eddie returned before he began to move, pushing himself up off Richie's chest, lifting himself up until just the head of Richie's cock was in him, and then he slid all the way back down, punching the breath out of Richie's body. Richie's hands tightened at his hips and he began to help Eddie, planting his feet on the bed and the two of them finding a rhythm, despite the fact that they had never actually done it like this before. Both times that they'd had sex, Richie had been on top, but he had a feeling that that was going to be different going forward, because feeling Eddie's ass bounce against his thighs and his fingers scratch at his chest as he controlled the pace, it was something that was irreplaceable. "I'm not..." Eddie's back arched, and the flicker of the candle made him _glow_ gold. "I'm not going to last," he admitted. "This position..._Fuck_..."

"It hitting your spot, baby?" Richie asked, finally managing to find his words. Eddie didn't bother answering verbally, just nodding his head a couple of times as his movements became a little more frantic, quickening the pace. Richie met his thrusts, pushing up with his feet and watching all the little flickers of emotion and lust that crossed Eddie's face. He honestly wasn't in much of a better position, given how many times he had been brought close to the edge when Eddie had been sucking him off. "Do you...Want me to come in you? Or...?" They'd used a condom the first time they'd had sex, and then the other time Eddie had actually asked Richie to pull out and then come on him, which Eddie had asked him to do a surprising amount of time for someone who hated messes during other times they'd fooled around.

"Come in me," Eddie mumbled out and he clenched his walls around Richie's cock, and that was all it took for Richie to come. He tried to keep a good rhythm as he thrust upward, wrapping one hand around Eddie and pulling a few times, until he felt warm come splash over his fist and drip onto his stomach. Richie's chest was rising and falling rapidly as Eddie fell forward, not seeming to care about the mess between them, burying his face in Richie's neck as he tried to control his own breathing.

Their breathing slowed and then things fell quiet again, and Richie's clean hand began to stroke up and down Eddie's back lightly, feeling goosebumps rise on his lovers skin.

"I'm sorry she said that to you. I'm sorry you had to hear that," Eddie whispered, his voice muffled against Richie's skin. Richie had actually completely forgotten about Jada, but in all honesty, even now, hearing the voice repeat in his head, it didn't sound like a chant that was trying to tattoo itself behind his eyelids, like it had been before. "You know it's not true, right?" Eddie started shuffling around, almost like he was going to pull back, probably so that he could look at Richie in the eye, but Richie just tightened his arm in a band over Eddie's neck, wanting to keep his lover close for just a little while longer.

"Of course I know," he said, voice cocky and in a slight British accent that he knew annoyed Eddie. "You love me, Eddie Spaghetti." There was a snort and a huff of air against his neck, but then there was a giggle and Eddie wiggled a little on top of him, as though making himself more comfortable. Except then there was a squelching sound, obviously Eddie's come between them, and he felt Eddie stiffen, and this was one of _Eddie's things_, and honestly, even Richie found the sensation kind of gross. Richie loosened his arm around Eddie's middle and pressed a kiss to his temple. "We should go shower, yeah?"

"Yeah," Eddie whispered, but he didn't move for a few moments. "Hey, Richie?"

"Yeah?" Richie responded quietly.

"You don't have to tell me everything, and we don't have to talk about it every time, but...Can you just be honest with me when you're feeling...A bit off, I guess?" Eddie asked and Richie couldn't help but smile, kissing Eddie's temple again, because the phrasing of all of it was just right.

Sometimes he didn't even _know_ what was wrong with him, he didn't even know what had made him feel anxious or upset, and the idea of having to put things into words to tell Eddie honestly just made him feel _worse_, because there was no way that he could articulate it. But just telling Eddie, being honest that something was _off_ and not trying to cover it up with jokes and fake smiles.

"I promise, Eddie," he murmured. "And, uh...You don't have to be careful around me all the time. I think...Sometimes it makes it worse. I just want you to be the same around me." Eddie made a sad sound against his neck before nodding too many times to count.

"I'm sorry," he apologized quietly.

"No, I know you're just trying to help," Richie replied, and he hoped that his voice conveyed just how sincere he was about that. He never thought Eddie would do something to purposefully make him feel worse than what he did. A few minutes passed, but then Eddie seemed content with that, smushing a kiss against Richie's neck before finally pushing himself up and making pouting unhappily—adorably at the mess smeared between them—and Richie snorted out a laugh.

"_Now_ let's go shower."

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think? Comments keep me going xx
> 
> Tumblr: SereneCalamity  
Twitter: CalamitySerene


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